Getting started is like the hardest part for me. I think that is because I just keep putting it off until the next day or until it's not so hot outside or until I feel better. Well I think that since I live in the desert it is just gonna be hot all summer, that excuse wont work. I wont feel better til I do get started, so that excuse wont work either. I should probably state what it is that I am talking about starting. Well I am talking about starting with my weight loss journey, my new way of eating and exercising.
For so long I have been the overweight outcast, or at least that is how I felt and how I let it be. I think that I was afraid that if I lost weight I would still feel angry at the world and angry at my appearance. Basically I feel like I would be let down at the results, like eating whatever I want would be more rewarding than all the benefits of being thinner. If this is not terrible enough I was about 50 pounds lighter and then I met my husband and he kept saying to me that he wanted me to gain more weight. I think partly trying to enforce the fact that he would love me no matter what, was his main goal. Really what happened is now I am afraid that if I do become skinny then he wont want me. It is so contradictory because I feel like if I get any more obese than the same outcome would arise. It really is not about what he wants though because that will not motivate me to lose weight. His approval for me to gain weight only made it easier to gain because I was already headed in that direction.
I have been on again off again at my weight loss for almost all my life. In high school I did the herbal life diet and while it worked I was starving all the time and well it obviously did not last. I think the most influential thing back then was the fact that I was outside all the time and so it off set the terrible eating habits that I started back then. When my boyfriend from then left me I went into a depression that lasted about 5 years. During that time I ate, and I ate a lot. I also did not exercise hardly at all. I gained about 70 pounds. I lost about 50 of it back in 2011 after I had my galbladder removed. Then my husband comes along and I have been on again off again with the same amount of weight ever since. I lose it then binge for a few weeks then lose it again. YIKES! I am so over that trap. I am in total over 100 pounds overweight. I think that losing that much would be great and also scary at the same time.
Recently I went to the doctor and just as I knew he would say, I have to lose weight. He tries to tell me no carbs, less salt, just eat healthy, oh and exercise. Duh! Ok so I cant do the no carb thing, I do not live alone, I would go crazy and rip out my hair within the first day, and then binge. He also mentioned weight watchers, which I have been on for like 3 years with just about no success of keeping the weight off but kept it around for the day when determination finally kicked in. Luckily when I had my blood work done there was no diabetes. I am still going through testing and for now it is just a thyroid issue, which could help with weight loss. So each day as I wake up I have my doctor kicking my behind about losing this weight loss and some days I do not care and some days I do care. I am going to try to start for real today.
My goal is to lose 2 pounds a week. My biggest goal is to weigh 150 and then figure out from there how I feel about that weight and try to maybe lose more or not, not sure yet. At that rate it would take me 18 months to get where I want. Of course that would mean a perfect 8 pounds a month. That is the healthiest way to lose weight and I think it would be my only option. Along with that I would like to be running 3 miles a day at some time. At 255 pounds and only 5'2 running is not really too much of an option but I have started to walk/slow jog and that puts me at about a 20 minute mile. The doctor asked me for 1 mile a day and that is what I am working towards, at least, but some days I just do not want to get up at 7am and after that it turns into 100 degrees outside with a blaring sun. UGH!
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